Lost without you
by refuse-to-sink-0923
Summary: What happens to Deeks after Kensi leaves for her mission. What if he starts to get depressed and he resorts to an old method of coping. Rated M for self-harm and attempted suicide
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

P.O.V. Deeks

Ever since Kensi left for her mission, I have been a mess. She is what held me together after the Sidirov incident and now that she left, it's all been coming back. Now that she isn't here to help me keep from falling apart, I started to get depressed, and started to have panic attacks every once and a while. Kensi was my only way of coping, and now I've resorted back to my old, not so healthy coping method; self-harm. It first started when I was younger and being abused by my father. Whenever he hurt me either physically or emotionally, I'd cut myself to help with the pain I felt. It had been the one thing that helped me get through the abuse. After I shot my father, I stopped harming myself as often; I would only cut myself when I was overly stressed or when I just wasn't able to cope with something. After I had joined NCIS I had stopped for a long time. It wasn't until the Sidirov incident that I had started again. At that point things had gotten really bad. I was cutting every day, having panic attacks, had had started to think about killing myself. Then Kensi came over and she gave me some hope. It didn't get better right away but slowly things started to improve until I was pretty much back to my old self. That is till Kensi left. Now I'm back to where I was after the Sidirov case.

- Page Break-

I just got back from another grueling case that involved a marine's daughter getting abducted and murdered. It was a really hard case for everyone. Sam was probably thinking about his own kids, so he was most likely beating up a punching bag in the gym. Eric and Nell are probably in their own little cyber world, and Callen… well Callen is so secretive that I really don't know what he would do after a case like this. Normally Kensi and me would hang out with takeout and a beer but since I can't I plan to spend my night with a knife. When I get in the door, I feel something big and heavy jump on me

"Hey Monty, I missed you today"

"Arrrrrrr"

I drop my stuff on the couch then head to my room. I turn on the light and go to my bedside table. I pull open the draw and inside I see my knife. I grad it and sit down on my bed. All emotions are flooding threw me, my heart constricting in my chest making me feel like I can't breath and I know what I need to do. I roll up my sleeve past dozens of scars and just stare for a second. Then I take the knife and bring it down hard against my wrist over and over again. I sit there and watch the blood flow; my emotions flowing out with the blood. I can finally breathe again. Once the bleeding stopped I pulled my sleeve down then wiped up the blood. Now that I'm calm, I go grab a beer and a few hours later I end up asleep on the ccouch


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I woke up with just enough time to shower and change before heading to osp. When I walk into the bullpen I hear Sam and Callen's usual banter. When they see me they immediately stop talking and say hi to me.

"So whats up Deeks?" asks Sam oddly kind.

"Nothing really" I say cautiously.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine" I say slowly then I add "Do you think we should move the interrogation into the boat shed".

"We aren't trying to interrogate you; we've just been worried about you. Ever since Kensi left you've seemed pretty down" says Callen.

"Well how did you think I would react to my partner being ripped away from me at the last second" I spat angrily.

I then stormed out heading to the change rooms with my metal friend in my back pocket.

P.O.V. Sam

"What do you think that was about" I ask after Deeks stormed away.

"I don't know but I do know that something is wrong with him and we really need to talk to him about what's bothering him" answered Callen.

"I guess we could corner him and demand an answer" In suggest

Callen gives me a disapproving look then says "Maybe we should try a different approach first"

We continued to talk about the subject at hand when Deeks walks out of the change room. Before we have the chance to say or do anything I hear a whistle and look up just as Eric says "We got a case". We head up the steps and when I walk through the doors I'm shocked by who I see on the big screen.

P.O.V. Deeks

Now that I've calmed down I walk out of the change room and head towards the bullpen. When I almost reach my desk I hear a whistle and Eric yell "We got a case". As I head up the stairs to ops I see Eric give me a weird look out of the corner of my eye. I wonder what's going on? When I step through the doors I get my answer.

"Kensi"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

P.O.V. Deeks

"Hey Deeks" Kensi says in a sweet voice

"Hi, Um how have you, um been" I stammered awkwardly

"I've been okay, things have been going good"

"If you two are done, then I'd like to get on with the case" interrupts Granger.

I hear a snort come from the screen and that's when I finally see Sabintino. Just seeing him standing next to Kensi fills me with anger and jealousy. I didn't know that he was going to be there too. This is just great I think sarcastically. He was flirting with her all of the last case we shared and now they are stuck in a tin container together for God knows how long. It seems like it's easy to get lonely there and they could easily hook up out of loneliness. Well I'm thinking about all of this I hear Granger start talking.

"We have reason to believe that there are terrorists in L.A. and that they are planning a big attack somewhere"

"Why do you think that" questions Callen.

"We've been tracking a terrorist funding group here and we noticed that there are many big transactions and lots of resources being sent to L.A." replies Sabintino.

"We don't have that much information on the attack they seem to be planning but we will work with getting more information from our end as well. Ms. Blye, Take your partner and go follow up on some of the leads we were able to find" says Granger just before the screen goes blank.

At the word partner I cringe. Kensi is suppost to be my partner but apparently Sabintino has replaced me. I wonder how long it will take for me to be replaced in all departments.

-Page Break-

I'm Exhausted and my lack of energy is for nothing, as we are no closer to finding the terrorist group then we were this morning. After the video conference earlier, all I've been able to think about is Kensi and Sabintino. I really can't lose her to this guy. I don't want to scare her away by telling her but I love her and I don't know if I can survive emotionally without her. I won't be able to take much longer of this. I just can't deal with all this anxiety over them or the dark cloud that's been hanging over me since she left. My feet automatically led me to the one thing I know will help me. When I get to my bed side draw I pull it open and grab the knife inside of it. I don't even give it a second thought; I just take my knife and start making slashes across my arm. I let my emotions dictate how deep to make the wounds, and when I'm done my arm is just a huge mess of blood. Some of these will probably need stitches but I know that if I go to get them, I'll have to talk to a shrink and Hetty will find out. I'm not taking that chance. I'll just have to wrap it myself. I go to the bathroom and grab=b some gauze and butterfly stiches from the cabinet. Once I've stitched up my arm to my best ability, I wrap it up and lay down on the couch. What am I going to do? I'm a mess and don't know what to do anymore. Maybe it would just be best for everyone including myself if I just end my life. I doubt anyone will miss me really. Sam and Callen never really liked me to begin with. Then I think of Kensi. When I see her face in my mind I know that I can't do it. As all these thoughts go flying threw my head, I start to drift off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

P.O.V. Deeks

For the second time this week, I woke up late so I had to rush my morning routine to be on time. When I step outside I know the know the day is going to be scorching and that I'm going to overheat in my sweater. Great start to the day I think sarcastically. When I get to work I head right to the bullpen and notice that I made it just on time.

"Hey Deeks, what's up with the sweater? It's boiling outside" Sam says giving me a curious look.

Great what am I going to say? I can't tell him the truth. If I tell the team the truth then I'll either be fired or suspended and even if I was allowed to come back, they wouldn't treat me the same.

"Oh, um, I was in a rush this morning and didn't realize how hot it was outside so I just threw this on" I dismiss trying to act casual.

He seems to want to press the issue more but just then I hear a buzzing from my bag. Realizing its my sat phone I say that I have to take the call and rush off somewhere private.

"Hey Kensi, how are you, is everything okay" I say in a panic.

"Yeah, everything okay, but something happened that I feel I need to tell you about" she responds nervously.

"What's going on Kensi?" I say suddenly scared

"Sabintinokissedme"

"What say that again?"

She takes a deep breath then says "Sabintino kissed me"

When she said that, everything just froze. I knew this would happen. She's going to leave me for him. When I don't say anything she says "He kissed me. I promise that I pushed him away. I really care about you Deeks and would never hurt you".

"It's okay, I believe you" I say in a monotone voice

"So you're not mad or upset with me"

"No, I'm not. Listen I'm sorry but I really have to go Kensi, I'll talk to you later"

Before she can say anything, I hang up.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

P.O.V. Deeks

As I'm walking back to the bullpen all I can think about is what Kensi told me. I knew something like this was going to happen, but it still shocks me so much to hear it. I know Kensi has told me before that she doesn't have feelings for him but that could very easily change.

"Hey Deeks, how has Kensi been? What did she have to say? Asks Sam

I decide I'm just going to lie and say "she's pretty good, and she didn't have much to say, just wanted to talk to someone".

"It's great that she's doing good but we should probably start working on tracking down that terrorist group."

-Page Break-

P.O.V. Callen

We've been working on tracking down this terrorirst group but we're no closer than we were yesterday. The whole team is falling asleep so it's going to be pointless to try and get any work done now.

"Okay, we're not going to be able to get any work done so lets just head home" .

As I watch Deeks and sam standup I notice that deeks has a big red stain on his shirt sleeve.

"Hey Deeks, what's that mark on your sleeve?".

Deeks looks down at his sleeve nervously than causally says "Oh, um, it's nothing" Than he practically runs out of the room.

"Something is definitely going on" I say turning to Sam.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

P.O.V. Deeks

I can't do this. All of this is becoming too much for me. I'm probably going to lose Kensi to Sabintino and I'm probably going to lose my job now if Callen figures out what is going on. I don't know what to do anymore, Kensi and the distraction of my job is the only thing keeping me sane. Everything's falling apart and there's only one way to fix this. I walk over to the kitchen and grab a bottle of old vodka from the back of the cabinet. I walk over to the bathroom and grab a bottle of sleeping pills, heading over to my room, grabbing my knife on the way. I lay down on my bed grabbing a picture frame with me and Kensi together and lay it down next to me.

"I'm sorry Kensi, please forgive me for this".

Then I unscrew the lid and dump some pills into my hand. I look down seeing 5 pills and I down them with some vodka that burns on the way down. I take 6 more, then 4 more, then the last 3. My eyes start to droop but I need to stay awake just a little longer. I grab my knife and make a deep gash from wrist to elbow on each arm. I can't keep my eyes open and I know it won't be much longer till I'm gone. I'm almost unconscious when I hear a loud bang, but I'm too weak to wonder what it is. As everything goes black, I hear my name being called.

P.O.V. Callen

(Callen's house)

I'm really worried about Deeks. He seemed pretty jumpy and nervous when I asked about his sleeve. I think I know what's going on, but I really hope that I'm wrong. If he's harming himself like I think than my hands are tied and he will, at the very least, be suspended. Maybe I should go check on Deeks and let him explain what's going on with him.

-Page break-

When I get to Deeks house I see his lights on and knock on the door. When he doesn't answer I start to get a little nervous and knock again. Something doesn't feel right so after a minute I use all my strength and kick in his door.

"Deeks" I call out as I step into the apartment.

When I look around I notice the mess around me which is really out of character for Deeks.

"Deeks" I call out again as I continue to walk through his apartment. I grow increasingly panicked as I head towards Deeks room. What I see when I step into his room shocks me. I see Deeks laying on his bed unconscious next to a pill bottle, with his arms gushing blood.

"Oh my god" I say running towards him. I dial 911 as I press a comforter to his arms.

"911 what's your emergency"

"My friend slit his wrists and overdosed on pills" I say panicked.

"What's the address?"

"3314 Hoffman street apartment 28"

"An ambulance will be there shortly"

"Deeks, why did you do this? Come on, you've got to hang on, do it for Kensi"

A minute later I hear sirens and paramedics rush through the door. Thy quickly wrap up his arm and put him on the gurney.

"What is going on with you Deeks".


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Sorry I took so long to update, I haven't felt up to updating lately but I will try to more often now.**

Chapter 7

P.O.V. Kensi

I wish this mission would just end; I miss Deeks and I want to make sure that me and him are still okay after the whole Sabintino thing. I'm also really worried about him. I was shocked seeing how bad he looked in ops; he hasn't looked that bad since the whole Sidirov incident.

"Hey, Kensi –"Starts Sabintino

"What" I say sharply, smirking at the black eye I gave him. I didn't tell Deeks but after Sabintino kissed me I did more than just push him away.

He puts his hands up in surrender and says "I just came to tell you that there's a live feed from ops. They need to talk to you and Granger."

As soon as he said ops I bolted from my chair and practically ran to where Granger was. When I look at the screen I see Sam, Hetty, Nell, and Eric. I try not to let my Disappointment show when I don't see Deeks.

"Hey guys, whats going on. Where are Callen and Deeks?"

"We don't know I've been trying to get ahold of them all morning" replies Sam.

"What do you mean you can't get ahold of them" I screech.

"Doesn't worry about them miss Blye. Right now we need to focus on finding this terrorist" Hetty replies calmly.

As we're talking about what we found involving the case I just stand there not paying attention imagining the worst. What if Deeks is lying in a ditch somewhere? A loud ring interrupts my thoughts and I look up at the screen and see Sam pull his phone out.

"Hey Callen, where have you been?" asks Sam.

"Wait, Deeks did what" he said in a sudden panic "Is he okay"

What happened to Deeks? Is he okay?

"Okay, I'm leaving now" Sam says hanging up.

Sam starts to walk out of the room but I stop him by saying "Whats going on. Is Deeks okay?"

He turns around and gives me a sad, pitying look.

"I don't know if It would be a good idea to tell you right now Kensi"

"Sam, tell me now" I say through gritted teeth.

He lets out a breath then says the words that will shock me forever.

"Kensi. Deeks tried to kill himself."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

P.O.V. Sam

While I drive to the hospital, I can't help but think about the news I just received. I just can't believe that Deeks would try to kill himself. I have so many questions I need to ask him, like why the hell did he do this and how long has he wanted to do this for? I finally arrive at the hospital so I park quickly and half jog to the building. When I get to the front desk I ask "What room is detective Marty Deeks in?". Before she can answer I hear someone call out my name and turn around to see Callen.

"Sam, over here"

"Callen, do you know whats going on?"

"I haven't heard from the doctor yet, but it was really bad, there was so much blood. There's something else too. His whole arm was covered in cuts and scars."

"What do you mean his arm was covered in cuts and scars? Where did he get them from?" I ask confused.

He lets out a sigh then says "It looks like he's been cutting himself and has been for a long time."

This really shocks me. This is Deeks we're talking about. Carefree, humorous Deeks, he would never do this to himself. Right?

"Why would he do this" I ask Callen.

He runs a hand over his head then says with a sigh "I don't know. I really don't know"

After that we sit in silence until a doctor walks towards us.

"Hello, I'm doctor Turner, I'm treating detective Deeks" he says as he holds out his hand for us to shake.

"How is he doing? Is he going to be okay? I ask scared for the answer.

"He lost a lot of blood and we had to pump his stomach but he should be okay"

"Thank god" I say letting out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding.

Behind me I hear Callen ask "Can we go see him now?"

"Yes, but he's probably still asleep. He's in room 148" then he walks away.

We get up from our chairs and head to his room. When we get to his room I stand in the doorway and just stare at him. He's pale with dark circles around his eyes, he has bandages around his wrists, and I can see some scars poking out from under them.

"God Deeks. What have you done."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

P.O.V. Kensi

"I'm going back to L.A."

"No, you can't leave" Granger replies

"It wasn't a question. I'm going back to L.A. whether you like it or not. I have to know that my partner is okay."

After hearing the news about Deeks I've been freaking out and doing everything I possibly can to get home to Deeks. I have to know wheatear Deeks is going to be okay or not. He has to be okay, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't.

"You can't leave; you're on a very important and classified assignment. You can't just leave in the middle of it."

"I don't care, I have to be there for my partner" I say angrily

I head towards my bunk to go pack my bags when I hear Granger say "If you leave, then you're fired from NCIS". Without hesitation I put my badge and gun on the table beside me and keep on walking towards my bunk.

-Page Break-

(LAX airport)

It was a long flight and I'm exhausted but I don't care. All I know right now is that I need to see Deeks. I walk towards baggage claim, grab my bag, then go outside to hail down a cab. As soon as the cab arrives at the hospital I throw some bills on the front seat then run towards the entrance. When I get to the receptionist I ask "What room is detective Deeks in?" She types something in on the computer then says "Room 148". I run towards the room and when I get there I am shocked by what I see. I see Deeks laying in his bed unconscious, looking as pale as the sheets that surround him. His wrists are wrapped up and he's hooked up to an IV giving him blood. I've never seen him look so sad and vulnerable and I can't stand to see him like that. I walk towards the bed and decide to crawl in next to him.

"I'll help you threw this Deeks, I promise" I whisper to him.

I then lay my head on his chest, close my eyes and fall asleep.


End file.
